Beautiful Beautiful Zion

A young girl never quite understood her worth. She was cute, but she couldn't see it. She was smart, but she didn't think so. She was always on the outskirts of popularity, never quite apart of the "in" crowd. Her mother would lie awake at night wondering what it was that she did wrong. Why couldn't her baby just see her the way her family saw her. Now she didn't come from a broken home and her childhood was not horrible. Daddy wasn't the man she needed him to be, but the her brothers were perfect stand-ins. The family was really close knit. Everybody genuinely loved one another, but for some reason, she always felt alone. She always felt like she had to be more, to do more than everyone else just to be noticed. Guys didn't pay attention to her. They like bad girls. Guys don't appreciate girls with morals. All she wanted was to be liked. So she gave so much of herself to guys, even though she felt so empty, so dead inside afterwards. They would stick around for a moment, but it was only for their benefit. Then she met a guy who she thought was special. He seemed different. They spent each and every day and night together. She found out she was pregnant and everything changed. His true colors came shining through. Of course he left to do his own thang. She wanted to hide it, but it came out anyway. Some of the people closest to her reinforced what she always thought. She was stupid, she was nothing. She couldn't be a mother! What was she thinking. She would spend the rest of her life barefoot and pregnant living off the government. There's no way to turn this situation around except to have an abortion. So, she decided that would be best. She had the money for it, but didn't have a ride to the clinic. She found a ride to the clinic, but didn't have the money for the procedure. This definitely wasn't working out. She knew she couldn't be a mother, she wasn't responsible enough, her baby would never respect her, she was nothing. She was in a deep state of depression. All she did was cry and listen to the radio. It got worse and worse until she heard the song "Zion by Lauryn Hill". This is how she felt. She couldn't talk about it to anyone, but all her feelings came out in her tears. At her lowest point, the only thing she knew to do was cry and pray. After what seemed like forever, wallowing, she stood up refreshed. This is it. Face the fear. Now, 10 years and 1 healthy, handsome, intelligent son later, I am so thankful and honored to be his mom.

No Service

First off let me explain exactly why I haven't been here in so long. We had Comcast Internet Service (which really is very good if you can keep it working, a load of crap with all their new changes). I'm not sure if maybe lightning struck the box one night or if the changeover they're doing here in Mississippi had something to do with all the problems. Anyway, my internet died and I"ve been using my work computer when I could carve out the time which doesn't seem to be often. I have just been able to find a pretty good service, connected today, yaaaay, so hopefully I will be able to update a bit more often. Y'all don't leave me okay :o)

Back Down Memory Lane

So, I'm like all over the internet. I'm on all the big name sites. I was talking to an old high school classmate of mine a couple of days ago on one of these social networking sites & she told me that our high school had a board on ning. I thought long and hard about this. High School wasn't my all-time favorite. I graduated as fast as I could. First off, the city where I lived was just too ding dang doggone teeny & everybody knew (and still knows) everybody else's business. I also felt like I was always a couple of steps behind everybody else. I was known, but never in "that" crowd. I wasn't a jock. I was rather nerdy, though I'm proud of my nerdiness now. I was smart, but not smart enough. I was like the ugly duckling I suppose. I was in band. But that was so much fun to me. Beta Club was a really big thing in our county, and though I participated at the games, I really wasn't into putting on my fake face & going to convention for the weekend. I graduated a year early & couldn't even get up the nerve to walk across the stage. I felt like an outcast, different from everybody else in some way. Anyway, when I got to that site & started browsing all the different profiles, all of that came flooding back. I had those same feelings of insecurity, like I didn't measure up. I've been around in stores & saw classmates and turned the other way so they wouldn't see me. I didn't want to answer to anybody, but I have nothing to hide. I started to think about all I've accomplished in the 14 years I've been out of H.S. On the outside looking in, everyone is doing so well. I'm proud of them. There were several people that weren't necessarily my "cup of tea," but we're adults now. It's time to squash that. I don't know if I'll ever bring myself to actually go to any type of reunion, but I'm so proud of me and the journey that I've traveled. Everyone has their story, even the seemingly "perfect people," but I can only create and edit mine. My life is like no one else's. I'm unique, my faults, my flaws, my pain & my accomplishments are ALL MINE. Thinking back, maybe I put all the added pressure on myself... I'm facing my demons head-on. I can't accept my future if I'm still living in my past right?